Did you fit in? Were you part of a group? The leader of a group? Were you the cheerleader? The bully? The socialite? The jock? The slacker? The druggy?
I check my email every morning before I go to work. Habit. Addiction. Whatever.
Now I check my lj friend's page before I go to work.
Read:: Really Addicted. Obsessive. (duh)
And this morning I found a note that I had been *defriended*. By someone that I had been liking and enjoying their company. As much as a person can on lj.
So. All day I'm thinking. . .
What did *I* do to piss this person off? Did I make some off~hand comment? Insult one of their rl friends? Slap their child? Step on their puppy?
All day long I'm obsessing about this. Like it really matters to my life. Like it's important.
And you have to remember that I'm new at this lj thing. To be *friended* is such a thrill! To be *defriended* is like, well, a skinned knee. Ouch.
Would I know this person if they came into my place of business and smacked me in the face?
Then I come home and find out that this person defriended me and other people because she said she had too many friends on her flist to keep up with them and it was taking away from her rl.
Okay. That makes sense. I understand that. I just wish that she had said that in the first place. Instead of making insecure people like me wonder *what* we had done. (Which is *so* not her problem. It's ours. It's mine.)
You see, it does matter to me. It matters because I am trying to establish a relationship/communication outlet/friendship's with people that enjoy the fandoms/obsessions that I do. Talk about stuff that I can't in rl.
Because I know that the people around me would get just a bit tired of me chatting endlessly about whatever Angel ep I watched last night, whatever Angel/Logan fic I read last that really moved me. They already know that I'm nuts about this stuff anyways. I don't want to beat them over the head with it.
So all of this led me to thinking about High School. The last *real* place that I had to circumnavigate cliques and groups and things.
And in high school I was not a joiner.
I was 'in' on many of the groups. . .i.e. I was a smoker so I hung out with the smoker/druggie group. I was a jock. I ran cross~country, so I hung out with the jocks.
*and I know what you're thinking . . .she was a smoker, but she ran cross country? Heh. I was young. The cc coach was completely drop dead gorgeous and had a great pick~up line for getting girls on his team. "You've got great legs. . .want to run cross country?" We melted like butter.*
I dated a lot of jocks, so I was in with the socialite groups. 'Course I also dated a lot of stoners. . .so I was in with them too.
I wrote a soap opera in school and had a following always *bothering* me for the latest installment.
I made hellacious set designs for the theater dept., not that I was an artist, but I was always very original.
And I'm sure that everyone that reads this could say about the same.
My point is . . . I have finally found a fandom, a group, a clique that I would love to be a part of, to contribute to, to grow with.
And I find myself thinking
' this is a lot like high school '.
Trying to fit in. Trying to comment without seeming like you're pushy. Trying to contribute, but worrying about the content of what you give. And all the time acting like it doesn't matter to you. At all. When really it does.
And the jist of all this is. . .I don't have many rl friends. Lots of acquaintances. But I don't make *real* friends easily. I'm a very closed person. I have an open mind, but I don't share well. I can talk to people for hours. As long as I'm not talking about myself. I play by myself really good. But I'm still, after all these years, not a joiner.
I'm just an Dave/Hugh Obsessed Fan Girl *insert squeal here* that really loves this new feeling of being part of a community that shares the same craziness as she does. Part of a community that is as talented and beautiful and wise as you all are. Part of a community that seems to care and love and share so well. And perhaps that's what I really need. To learn to share. Part of myself with others.
And now I'm thinking perhaps I shouldn't post this. But I think that I will. Because I have to learn how to share. Because I have to let go of parts of myself. If I'm ever going to be able to let anyone in. To let anyone *really* care about me. How can you care about someone that won't even talk about themselves? Even in this, the unreal world of the internet?
Whew. End of speech.
Oh, yeah. And how was your day?