I had no idea how much it would hurt. And how much I wanted it to turn out right. And how much I suck at trying to fake it.
Sorry you had to wait so long for your drabbles, ladies.
Hello, are you still chasing
the memories in shadows?
Some stay young, some grow old.
Come alive, there are thoughts unclear.
You can never hide.
I Dare You ~~ Shinedown
Even in madness, I know you still believe.
David Boreanaz/TJ Thyne
It was bound to happen. Murphy’s Law and David’s fucking luck.
Sooner or later. This was a small town. No matter what anyone thought. Fuck. It was a small world and the bars on his cage glimmered bright, shining. The metal was hard and immobile.
The nights when he escaped, when he slipped into that forgotten space and was free, were few and far between and David grabbed them with both hands. He held them tight to his chest. These rare nights when he could relax, when he could just be … David.
And more and more often lately, TJ had become a constant feature of these precious evenings.
Beer and pool. Football games on the big screen and whiskey. Air hockey and vodka. And pot. Sometimes cocaine, but only for the nostalgia, nothing like the days when David’s parties trashed houses and brought in the cops.
It wasn’t long before David was seducing TJ. Kissing him behind fake walls and calling him when Jaime was out of town with Jaden. Emily was amusing, Michaela was too gorgeous and Tammy was married. Not that that mattered in this town, but it was fresh and new and she was still wrapped in a cocoon. Eric was out and proud and very unsafe and Jonathon was, for all intents and purposes, off the show and out of their circle.
And TJ was so fucking pretty.
So good at telling a joke and playing straight man to David’s antics. If there was a little bit more in those looks they shared … if there was more heart than tongue or teeth in the kisses … if there was that silent loud moment after they fucked … David didn’t pretend it didn’t matter.
But he didn’t let it get out of hand. He tried.
Paint me on canvas ...
They were at one of David’s favorite bars when Chris walked in. Watching hockey and drinking beer, eating nachos. Each of them a lot sore, a little strung-out from the long day of filming and it was past midnight. No wake up call, no driver knocking on the door and David had nothing in mind but taking TJ back to his apartment and fucking him right up against the wall of his condo. Finding out just how well that place was dry-walled.
Blondes clinging on each arm and after they slipped off together with the rest of the denim and turquoise and boot-wearing entourage, giggling and talking, Chris still stood. Looking straight at David with that familiar smile. Head ducked, hair long, some scruff of a beard trying to grow.
“Don’t you –?” TJ asked.
“Yeah.” David answered.
David felt hands on his back, pushing him off the stool. His body wasn’t responding to his brain. His brain wasn’t actually working.
Their eyes never dropped.
“So go say hi, you big girl.”
The retort was half-hearted and David heard TJ laugh behind him.
He felt another shove and his feet finally moved forward.
So I become what you could never be.
David Boreanaz/Christian Kane
A moment of silence that seemed to stretch into years and then they were both talking at once. Stopped and started again and then,
“Tonight. Heading back to Nashville in the morning.”
“You look good.”
David watched Chris laugh. Watched his hand move up and cover his mouth in a gesture that was all too familiar and at the same time, completely foreign. Like a memory that had been pushed into a dark closet because it was too painful to take out and hold. Chris leaned forward, rocked in his boot-heels.
“And you look good enough to … eat.”
Smell of whiskey and cigarettes. Blue eyes dilated and bloodshot and there was a time that David lived for this. For when Chris was too fucked to walk and with one or two words, David could piss the cowboy off. Make him so mad that both of them wore bruises under their clothes for days. That both of them walked funny until late in the afternoon of two days later.
“You haven’t called.”
“Didn’t get your messages.”
This could be foreplay. Or it could be harsh reality. David sucked his bottom lip, a nervous tic that half the time he didn’t know he was doing. Until he saw Chris’ eyes follow and David remembered when this was an invitation. Memory sense took over and for a second, David could taste Chris on his tongue, in the back of his throat.
“I need a beer, Dave.”
They turned. Two groups stood waiting, both pretending that they weren’t watching.
TJ smirked, licked melted cheese of his fingers and, David thought, deliberately held a thick cut of jalapeno for a second too long, before popping it in his mouth.
The bookend-blondes were standing too close, tight T-shirt covered breasts rubbed, hips tilted. Their eyes on Chris and their hands roamed over each other. Putting on a show for everyone, but with an intended audience of only one.
“For a beer? Never too late, D-bo.”
David wanted to smile. He wanted to lean forward, put his body in the cowboy’s space and do what he’d always done. Take back the familiar, take back what was his. But it wasn’t, not anymore. Chris wasn’t. They weren’t.
The girls grew tired of waiting. They crowded around Chris, hands moving over denim possessively. Glossy red lips leaving smears as they whispered in his ears.
“Wanna come with? Got some primo blow. These two …”
David shook his head and he couldn’t say why. Except that it wasn’t right. Not here, not now. David knew that he wanted more than Chris was willing to give him. More than Chris had ever been willing to give.
“It’s too late, Chris.”
David started to move, stopped when callused fingers grabbed his chin. Turned his head, burn of blue into brown.
“Never too late.”
Hand over hand, pulling Chris’s away. Holding it too long before letting go.
“It is tonight.”