Snow (sweptawaybayou) wrote,

  • Mood:

I have ...

changed the subtitle to my journal. From *waiting for july* to *fluffy and without substance*. Not because I'm NOT waiting impatiently for July, but because I am. Fluffy. And Without Substance.

And that will change. Probably not today, but soon. I need time to think. Time to make decisions. I've never reacted well to haste. I try to never, ever do anything out of anger. Try being the operative word in that sentence. People here in this wonderful world we have all found, people that have taken the time to get to know me, beyond the squee and the guh feedback I try to give and look past the *wibbling* over prettah ... I think that they know I am deliberate and cautious and somewhere, underneath all the cotton candy ... I am not stupid.

Last week, after I made the omg!blueberry and raspberry Irish Soda bread, Lori called me on the intercom from customer service. It was 5:50 am and she just wanted to tell me that she'd bought a loaf the day before and had a slice before coming to work and that she needed to let me know that it had been wonderful. And that I did a good thing and that she loved me.

And I thought at the time ...

If we could only be as smart and as good and as wonderful as our kids/friends/family think we are? We would own the world.

Because I? Am not smart. I make mistakes. I am not good. I've done things in rl and on the 'net that have hurt other people. I am not wonderful.

I am just me.

But I can make changes. I can learn from my mistakes. I can look at people and wonder. And I can talk to people that know. And I can only decide for myself what road to take. What path to choose. I can only give this to my children and hope that they find a better future and don't have to make as many wrong choices as I have, in my life. I can only hope that the people here that I know, that I love, that have taken that time ... I hope that they see past the fluff also.

And sixteen_letters? Her name was in the local paper today. For being on the Principal's Honor Roll. All A's. One of only 5 in her class.

If this is all I leave behind? Children that I alone have nurtured into strong, intelligent, confident adults?

That is good enough for me.

And I have only *counts on fingers* 9 days until ely_jan is coming here again! For HER birthday! *twirls her* Coming. Here. For HER birthday. I am ready for some joy. For some laughs. For some high pitched squeeeeees and some very real and very warm and very real!life hugs.

*dances with you*
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