This is too fucking funny. Particularly if you read my earlier /rant.
Thanksgiving Eve at Penny Savers.
That morning had the biggest doughnut sales of the year, and Snow began
maniacally thinking that she wished her Doughnut Boy was still dating other
boys, because he and Jules were too much of the goo-goo eyes for her
The thing about holidays?
Snow hated 'em.
She pinned her union rep to the wall, in the coffee shop, at 8 in the morning
and gave him an eloquent and heart-felt rant about the economy and capitalism
and worker's welfare, and the True Spirit of Christmas. Every time Chris
nodded, and opened his mouth to speak, Snow drew breath and went into
"....so Owner B feels like..."
"...he has to open, so of course, Owner C..."
"And when does it end?"
"When does it fucking end, Chris?"
Chris grabbed her head in his hands and kissed her. With tongue.
When he leaned back, he looked at her with narrow eyes to see if
she was still going to talk.
Snow looked dazed. Chris grinned.
"I just wanted directions to Seth's house," he said. "And what I could
"There's a stack of maps we copied, up front. And a list," she said.
"I think I'll go have a cigarette before I go back. And you're gonna
"What?" Chris asked virtuously. "My mama raised me right. You
don't go eat at someone's house unless you bring something."
Stunned, Snow made her way to the loading dock, and beheld her night
manager, smoking his cigarette and apparently in congenial conversation
"Fucking lock-out," David was saying. "Now they're saying that there won't
be any hockey until January. I'm ready to blow my brains out."
"Fucking depressing, man," Vinnie said. "Fucking scabs playin'
in Europe, they should be working on a new contract."
"I tell you, it's broken my heart," David said earnestly. "Broken my heart. Every time SportsCenter comes on and, nothing, I just throw shit at the television. Ruined my winter."
"You're upset about the NHL strike?" Snow asked, disbelieving.
David gave her a limpid stare. "Yeah. Ah, sorry about that----have I been
acting like an asshole? Brooding?"
Snow turned red.
"But I hear that you're so pretty when you brood," Vinnie said, snorting clouds of cigarette smoke out his nose.
"Don't go, Snow," David said. "I need to know what to bring for dinner tonight."
"You're coming to dinner?" she said.
"Yeah, Nick asked me." He tossed his cigarette butt neatly through the holes in the sewer grate.
"Nothing," Snow said. "Just show up. And don't get into a pissing contest with
Chris, 'cause he'll be there."
David raised one eyebrow. "But I understand that there's no money in a pissing
contest," he said, going back into the store.
Before Vinnie could get away, Snow had her hands twisted in the collar of his
flannel shirt. "Okay, you punk, what did you tell the man?"
"Shit," Vinnie said, twisting his hips in a way that would have made at least three of the cashiers have to void their registers, "Not a fucking thing. He already knew. I think he heard you all talking at Pancake Heaven. He's not stupid. He knows all about the betting book." With an eel-like movement, he slid away from her.
Snow went back in and collared Eliza. "Liza Jane. We got problems."
"Liza Jane ? You goin' all Little House on the Prairie on me?"
"No, seriously. David and Chris are coming----separately----to Seth's tonight.
David knows about the betting book, well, Vinnie says he knows about it."
Eliza shoved the sleeves of her turkey-print shirt up over her elbows. "What?"
she asked pugnaciously. "Let me go talk to that li'l punk. I'll show his punk-ass ....well."
"No, dammit, we've got a bakery full o' customers."
Eliza went back to boxing doughnuts. "Shit," she said. Her eyebrows moved
up and down as she thought. "Well, he may not know everything about the
book. He can't know that the big money's on him and Chris, before Christmas."
"And Freddy getting kicked to the curb by November 30th," James said. "Geddout
of the way, here. Let a man fry his doughnuts."
"And Jess kissing Nicky by mistake," Jules said.
"And Clare and Charisma having a cat-fight at the Union Hall."
"And Michelle and Vinnie having a cat-fight in the parking lot."
"And Alexis having to quit after Joss finally asks him for a three-way
"But the big money is on Chris and David," Eliza said loudly.
"There's a pool. We've already won from the people who bet after
Labor Day and before Thanksgiving."
Jules and Snow chimed in with her: "There's no money on Thanksgiving."
At the front of the store, the union representative stuck his head in the closet where the manager worked. To all intents and purposes, Chris looked like
he was saying something smart-ass to David, and getting out before the
big guy could get out from his desk and clock him.
In reality, the conversation went like this:
"Yo. Man. I'm bringing Wild Turkey to the dinner."
"My place after?"
"Naw, man, mine, I cleaned it. No, really, I did."
Okay. I now need an icon that says 'I am tesla321's Bitch'. Besides the fact that I haven't stopped laughing since I read this? Chris kissed Snow. With tongue. Again.